Get Your Pitch On - The Pitch

Name: Rhiann Wynn-Nolet
Country of residence: USA
Genre: Dark Fairy Tale retelling (YA)
Word Count: 89,000

Pitch: The MacBride curse decrees that Opal won’t find true love because of her albinism and magical hair. 
Attracted by her ghostly appearance dead boy Riff falls for her, as does his living brother Dylan. Opal’s aberrations arouse her uncle’s lust. 
Breaking the curse requires Opal and her hair to foil her uncle’s plan to keep her captive and to decide whether happiness lies in this world or the hereafter. 

The MacBride Curse decrees that Opal will not find true love because of albinism and her magical hair. Attracted by her ghostly appearance, dead boy, Riff, falls for her, [as does his living brother Dylan.] Opal's aberrations{word choice} arouses her uncle's lust.  
Breaking the cures requires Opal and her hair to foil her uncle's plans to keep her captive and to decide whether happiness lies in this world or hereafter. 

Okay, I would totally cut out the line about Rif and Dylan or expand about it. If two boys like her, that's probably a big deal. Also, the line about her uncle's lust just seems oddly put there. It seems too blunt. I'd either expand upon it or cut it out. It's just awkward.

I realize that this pitch was supposed to be short, but for your full length-pitch, I'd expand upon exactly what Opal has to do in order to stop her uncle. 

Everyone else, I encourage you to leave your own comments about Rhiann's pitch! 


PitchOn said...

Ok, obviously this is a re-vamp of Rapunzel, correct? I agree with the statements that Laura has already made...but have one or two to add as well. I don't think you really list the stakes clearly enough. I know this is difficult in a very short pitch--but it is still important to get it out there.

I also think the last sentence could be better worded. "Breaking the cures requires Opal and her hair to foil her uncle's plans to keep her captive and to decide whether happiness lies in this world or hereafter." The way is stands now, it sounds like Opal AND her hair also have to do the decision making in the second half of the sentence as well. (Which I don't think is what you really mean.) Also, all of a sudden, happiness in the hereafter is brought in. I don't even know where the hereafter came from, this is the first we've heard of it, and now it is a major part of the possible ending? I think if you take out some of the unnecessary words, you'll have room to add in some info that is more critical to lure in the reader and make them feel much more invested.

I love the concept!

Jodie Andrefski said...

Sorry, I meant to sign in under my regular name.

Emilyann Girdner said...


I love that you are retelling a classic fairytale in a dark way. I think this concept is unique and interesting.

I think Laura and Jodie had some good suggestions. For me, it just feels like maybe it could be a big smoother. One of the main points that I felt a little jolted was the line about her uncle's lust. I think Laura's suggestion was right on for that.

Best of luck in the contest Rhiann :)

Rhiann Wynn-Nolet said...

Thanks for the help. I'm wondering if this is better? Or if I'm even allowed to try a new pitch?
In this neo-Gothic Rapunzel meets The Collector story, albinistic Opal makes a daring plan to break the MacBride family curse and foil her white-obsessed uncle’s plot to kidnap her. With her magical hair’s help, she exacts revenge on her uncle. To find happiness however, she must choose between the two brothers she adores, one is a ghost, and her first true love. It’s a choice between life and death.

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