walking away

I'll never understand how someone can walk away so easily, like it's no big deal. To turn your back from someone permanently, with no guarantee there'll be another conversation between you two.

Maybe I suffer from abandonment issues from early on, which is ridiculous to say since my mom never dropped me off at a fire station (which is legal in Texas) as a kid, but I still think they're there.

I don't trust easily, but when I finally trust people, I feel like the majority of the time I get burned because of it.

I've lost a lot of important people in my life in the past year and a half. Two of my (former) best friends, in fact I lost one multiple times. I watched my grandma waste away for four months to die ten days before my eighteen birthday.

I've realized in the past year and a half that I never trust people easily because I never know what we'll happen between us. I'm always afraid that my feelings are going to get trampled on, so I shove them down and keep them there until I snap.

And then they leave. It's hard, especially after my depression, to convince myself sometimes that people care. And I'm not talking about my writing friends or blogging friends, I know they care...

I'm talking about the people I see everyday. My family, my co-workers, my friends I see at church once a week. I just don't feel like a critical part in anything.

Maybe it goes with the need to move. The last time I moved was when I was five, over thirteen years ago. Maybe I'm ready to find people who are willing to take my feelings into consideration.

Now, I know I'm important to the people in my life now....

But, I'm just ready for change.

Maybe it's time for me to just walk away.


Mia said...

I understand exactly how you feel. And to be honest, I don't understand it either. It's like you invest that much in a relationship, you just trust someone so much, but then for them to walk away... I just don't understand. How do you get to a point where you just stop caring and can walk away? It doesn't make sense to me either.

I don't trust easily at all either. And it's hard to make relationship with people when you experience this over and over again. Even though I moved on and am starting to be more positive, it's still hard for me. But if you want a change you have to put that effort out there. To get to know people and try to keep that outlook that hopefully not everyone is like that.

I really hope you find some good, decent people while in college. Friends who sincerely care and won't just walk away like it's nothing. Good luck, Laura. :)

The Students Wife said...

Trust is a hard thing.. I completely understand! I don't know how people can just walk away either. The only thing I can think of is that they just become numb or something like that. I hope you can find someone, someday that will be completely loyal and you know won't walk away when things get tough :)

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Karrie S said...

I can totally relate with what you posted. I JUST had to let someone go: on Friday- bc he laughed at me while I was crying (my ex-we broke up 2 months ago, and i was hoping we would be friends). I struggle with depression also (and anxiety, and I've been clean from my painkiller addiction for 2 years and 2 days). My best friend from High School has been ignoring me the past month. It's just been a bad summer for me. I know things only get worse, the more I pity myself. I try to be positive, but something that is just hard. I wish you luck! I don't understand it either. I give way too many people too many chances.

Anonymous said...

I think I understand how you're feeling. I moved abroad 3 years ago, and I had one friend in the USA who I stayed really close to despite being so far apart. In October we had a nice long Skype chat and then I went on a trip and she completely disappeared from the internet. Removed her social networking profiles, disabled her email accounts. She was just completely gone and didn't give me any notice or explanation. Ever. I was very worried about her... to the point that I cried with worry over her well-being. I knew she was going through a rough period in her life. In February I found that she had created a new FB profile. I sent her a message saying how worried I was about her and that I would always be there for her. She considered me the closest thing to having a sister, so I was surprised when she disappeared again about a month later. Stumbled upon her again on twitter just this month and discovered she had a blog.. I was not even looking for her online... About an hour later I received an email from her saying XYZ religious thing and to stop stalking her - what?!?! She, of course, then posted some rude things on her blog and twitter. If only she knew how much I really did care about her, worry about her and her son... So, what I've concluded is.. sometimes it's not us.. sometimes it's them. I believe that somewhere down the line she will recognize the friendship she threw away. I also now know that all of these friends she had and then bad mouthed and said they stopped talking to her.. I know now that it was not them, but her. Some of these friends were mutual and what she told me seemed completely uncharacteristic of them. So, all of this should have been a big red flag of what would eventually become of our friendship. Friendships of mine have ended before in the past, but this one hurt the most and it's ending is the one that I understand the least.

Eve Myers said...

While I was reading this post, I was thinking, "Why are all my thoughts in this blog?! That's crazy." I feel the exact same way. You actually brought tears to my eyes, Laura.

I do the same thing. I stomp my feelings down, so that I won't get hurt by other people. Sometimes I don't think anyone really cares, even though I know they do, but actions speak louder than words, and mostly I get a lot of words.

You are so brave for writing and publishing this. Thank you for writing it.

Rachel said...

I don't usually comment on your blog but your simple to the point words made this overly cynical human being cry! I agree with everything you say because I have because I think mpre people than we know have trust issues. Thanks for your courage in posting this, Laura.

Paige said...

I'm sorry Laura :( I feel like this a lot too. Trusting people really takes a lot of guts. I kinda stopped trusting people because I've been hurt so many times too.
I do think this all happens for a reason. These people who are unworthy of our trust are the ones who show us what trust really means and they show us who deserves our trust in the future and who doesn't. They make it more careful about who we trust.
People are jerks, we all know what from experience. You just have to find the non-jerk people in life :)
I know that seems really hard, I'm still trying to do that.But, you're going away to school in the fall, aren't you? There you will meet so many new people and at least one of them has to deserve your trust, right? :)
Hope things get better, Laura. Stay strong

Ashley said...

I had this post open for a while as I tried to think of the perfect comment for this. And honestly, it's just not going to come because I think you said it all. Everything you said summed up how I've been throughout my entire life and it has made life 10x harder than it needs to be.

One of the reasons I cannot wait to move is to start over. I know that people are similar across the world, but I just feel like I need to cut the ties with the place that has continuously failed me in terms of friendships (as well as relationships.) I just want to move, meet new people, and hope I can still trust like I used to.

I feel like I could have written this post, honestly. So know you have what seems like many that completely understand. Maybe there's someone in there that would be the perfect friend even ;)

Torie said...

Darling, this post spoke to what I have felt in all my 20 years. I have the hardest time trusting, and I'd be willing to bet it comes from scars I don't even really know I have from my earlier childhood. I'm in your boat. I always feel like I'm giving more of myself to a friendship than the other person, but I'm beginning to wonder how much of it is in my head. I don't know, but I do know that I understand where you're coming from and I felt this post down to my very core.

I hope college brings new things for you! You're a sweetheart from what I've read so far, and I hope I get to know you better! We seem a bit like kindred spirits :)

Annelise @ Aunie Sauce said...

Thinking of you, LaurA. I'll keep it short... But know that you are loved. We love you. You are beautiful. Keep sharing your heart. It is great.

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