1.5.12

frustrated

This post isn't easy to write, but I feel like it needs to be said. No, I don't want your sympathy, I just need to let it out.

I'm mad. I'm frustrated. I'm ready to get out of my town and never come back.

I feel like I'm questioning everything about my life. 

I'm on the verge of graduation, but suddenly, it can't come soon enough, and I know I've said that before, but I'm serious this time. This isn't just wanting to be done with high school, this is if I don't get out of here, I'm not sure what will happen. Walking into school has seemed to become a living hell for me. I question who my friends are, and why I'm there.

I question my ability as a person, as a writer. I haven't opened my word document in almost a month. Okay, I have, but I haven't written in a month. I have no motivation. No one around me seems to care about my writing either, and it hurts. I used to thrive on the motivation, of knowing that people actually liked my books enough for me to keep writing.

That's not here anymore.

No one cares, and I'm starting to become a part of that crowd.

For almost a year, I've known what I was going to do with my life. Go to Sam Houston State, get a history degree, and teach.

But suddenly, that sounds like the stupidest plan, and I want to change my major.

I just don't know what to change it to. History made my parents proud because it was something I was somewhat good at. I've been in advanced placement social studies classes since sixth grade. I've never taken a regular social studies class.

But, my passion for history is slowly dying, and as much as I hate that, I'm not sure I want to keep it alive. I just don't have a passion anymore. Everything seems like work.

I've been praying, and praying, asking God what he's trying to tell me, but he's just not answering, and it makes me more mad.

I cried in two separate classes today because I just can't get it anymore. My stats grade has gone down the drain and I can't help it. I've studied for that class for four months now, and it just doesn't make sense. My last test, I only got seven answers right.

Studying and learning nothing is making it worse. I thought the whole point of studying was to learn more, not waste time with no results. My parents think I'm going to make a 3 on the AP exam. I'll be lucky to make a 2, I'm so far behind. Too far behind to ever catch up.

And, I'm eating like a pig lately. My thyroid disease is going out the wazhoo, and my thyroid is working about 1,000 times as hard as it's supposed to. No joke. It's leaving me more stressed out and tired. I come home and eat and sleep.

My life has become a vicious cycle that just refuses to end, and I'm starting to lose the will to fight the cycle.

5 Comments:

Mariella said...

You're not alone. I can relate to so much of that...in a different way.

Lindsey Sablowski said...

Awww Laura, I'm so sorry :( I can relate to what you're feeling though. I just want to graduate and move on with my life too while at the same time I'm questioning a lot of what I do. Don't worry you'll get through this. *hugs*

Lindsey

Keksi said...

So, you don't know me and this is the first post I've seen of yours, but I just want to say: this, too, shall pass. You are not the only one. I was just like you around graduation time -- I had a set plan, and then things got in the way and I had to change things around immensely. It was tough, but I adapted and am continuing to do so. Don't worry at this point about whether or not you're going to change your major, because SO MANY students find different interests once they're in college. Perspectives change. In a few years, this particular stress will be behind you. You will be fine. :)

Lydia said...

Aw, Laura, I'm so sorry...I know how you're feeling. I'm two years younger than you, but I still can relate.
It's hard, and most everyone changes their major when they get to college, so you shouldn't worry about it. I know that it seems like everything around you is crumbling, but it's not. It's actually just building the walls up, you just have to let it build.

"When you're young, everything feels like the end of the world." -Mark Gold, 17 Again

It gets better, I promise!
~Lydia

Unknown said...

When I started university, I was enrolled in the sciences (Wildlife and Fisheries actually - the Forestry program is a pretty big deal at the uni I attended)...because I was good at them in high school. After a year of biology, chemistry and math? I changed majors. I decided English Lit was a better idea for me, I was more passionate about it. It was a great choice. I enjoyed the heck out of it!

If you're not 100% sure about History, or even teaching, that's totally okay! :) You have so much time and anything you take initially can work into electives IF you decide to switch. :) No stress.

As for the writing thing? Ugh. I so hear you. I have been so bad for writing anything at all for the better part of a year. It's terrible and wreaks havoc on your self-esteem (as a writer). I'm sorry you're blocked, but I also feel strongly that you'll get out of that (if you haven't already - this isn't exactly you're most recent post, it's just resounded with me).

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